I'm so glad you managed to take a picture of your foreskin before you broke my camera.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
Do you remember doing synchronized hip thrusts to Michael Jackson? Probably one of my favorite parts of the night
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
