i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I came so hard my ears popped.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
