please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign
i just drank the rest of the vodka . Btw why did we put candy corn in it?
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
im lying in bed trying to choke myself out because being awake hurts too much
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
The only math I use in every day life is figuring out how much I can spend on alcohol and still have money to pay my bills. High school lied to us.
Hey also tomorrow casually bring up wearing crocs to your sister's wedding
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
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