I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.
You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Oh god it's open bar.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
