college drinking is stealing all my money, thank god planned parenthood is somewhat free
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I was totally pumped and so was my beard
Remember that cop that blew me in the parking lot a few weeks ago? He's possibly with his wife and kids shopping at Target.
You can’t homewreck what the Lord hath brought together.
Dammit. the window insulation sheets are too small for my windows. Yet again I am disappointed by size
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
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