It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He walks in. We each have a tiki torch. We say, the tribe has spoken. We put his out and then stab him with it.
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
She was nothing like her profile said, we had nothing in common, and her picture mustve been like 30 pounds ago. But yeah we hooked up
Its really awkward pooping while on videochat. Even if you turn the video off.
I woke up to find I still had sequins under my tits. I'd say Sunday was a success.
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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