i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had
And "sexual slave/chef" was as it turns out not a real career choice...
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
I'm 10 cats away from completing my post divorce transformation.
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Just leave a note saying "riding dick see you in the mornig"
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Dude, the worst part is I can't even pretend it didn't happen because she posted a video of it on Facebook.
Randomize
