i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
I have discovered something important. The trick to making food taste better is not always 'more hot sauce'.
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
There is blood on my sheets, we apparently used 8 towels, everything in my shower is knocked down. Wut?
Well it's like a wise man once told me: "If you're going to shave your balls, don't do it hungover."
I'm working on a search warrant...can u pick up box of Chardonnay...I'll give u cash when u get here...
Yea... I love that ur a prosecutor and drink box wine
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Sorry, that was mean and I didn't mean it. I'm just mad at condoms
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
Getting food poisoning after eating at work was the cherry on top of my "Welcome back to real life" sundae.
First post college job and I got fired within a week. Something tells me that adulthood isn't going to be as much fun as sex and the city led me to believe.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
Randomize
