Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
This is one of those situations that make me think to myself "what life decision did I make to get here"
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
It's been a long time since I got "Talk about Glen's enormous penis" drunk
I forgot to pack a bra for work today...you would not believe the extremes i've had to go through in order to keep these nips from my coworkers
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
I say camping because "let's go get hammered in the woods" sounds kinda fucking weird to be honest.
We were walking to the bar with a group of people and literally made 4 stops in people's lawns garages or random walls for him to eat me out
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
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