You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
You can't wash away shame.
I can try.
You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
Did you get my bra back of the bartender?
I seriously think we need to revision your idea of 'keeping a low profile'
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
I had sex for the second time today and ate an entire bag of alligator jerky on the way home. These truly are the golden years.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
I don't want to date him...I just want him to cheat on his girlfriend with me.
I've just realized that today's rations have consisted of turkey bacon and jack Daniels.
Randomize
