just won the tropical speedo for $11. i didn't know they sold pussy magnets that cheap
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Day 3 of Lent and I would already kill a puppy if God would give me permission to masturbate
Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs
He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.
It sucks laughing and vomiting at the same time, trust me. I kind of remember
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
Ill try not let guys feel my boobs for free drinks next time, no promises tho. I am my boyfriends worst nightmare.
While he was fucking me, he just stopped and said, "Mike says Hi." Then proceeded to fuck me.
What did you do?
What do you say to that!? But, when I came, I screamed out my full name.
Randomize
