I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
i just heard my neighbor say from outside my window "i don't give a shit what he does, what the hell am i gonna do with my son's penis?"
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
By the way if you come home and I'm not wearing pants, just go with it. I didn't have the energy to go searching for some.
BEHOLD THE MORNING PIGEON
SANCTIFY THE CHALK TADPOLE
THERE IS NO SOBRIETY. ONLY ZUUL.
I think i should wear mittens next time we have sex.
I definitely don't remember licking the drag queens boob.
Seriously, why do I have a mortar round?
Randomize
