just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
i was on the fence about his sexual orientation until he referred to his marlboro loghts as "carrie bradshaws"
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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