found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
he told me "apparently my gag reflex doesn't work so if you magically grew a penis I would deep throat you"
Everyone called me "Barf Vader".. And I lost your lightsaber.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
So! As of five minutes ago I've officially masturbated in every room in my apartment
Dude, I helped you move in yesterday...
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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