My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
i would rather have had this happen at a time when i wasnt tripping out on shrooms
When we were finished I asked him how long it had been since he'd cum that hard. He thought really hard for a while before telling me his brain forgot how years worked.
You have not lived until you and a ginger miget chick are jumping and waving your arms in a pitch black bathroom to turn on the motion lights. Yes, today I have officially lived.
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I should be rewarded with oreos for not turning into a raging cunt.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
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