Only in Alabama do they play hymns in a bar!!!
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?
Oh yeah that.
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I heard liver failure is in for 2012 anyways
I need moral support for this bender
I really want to text him and congratulate him on having a bigger penis than the guy I dumped him for, but I thought that might be awkward...
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Why didn't you tell me I was calling her by her sisters name all night?
after the fucking you spent twenty minutes vomiting naked and shaking your dick at my roommates. luckily, i don't remember that, or i'd have to be really insulted.
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Randomize
