but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
and on the fourth day, god made foam parties.
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
Got robbed by an ATM. My weekend officially sucks.
you said you couldn't hang because you had to masturbate and feed your lizard
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
i got to his house for our first date at the same time as his dealer, so what I'm saying is I'm in love
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
Just got a blow job from a woman on a ski slope. She said ski'ing frightens her and giving head calms her down. Glad I could help ma'am!
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
Randomize
