My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
You leaned over so she could squirt ketchup in your hair and then started chanting "KETCHUP NIGHT!! KETCHUP NIGHT!!!"
Sorry for drunkely attacking your best friend with a bow and arrow then loudly crying myself to sleep....PMS?
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
Last time I checked he was house sitting for his ex while she was out of town with some new dude. He was crying about how the guy told him to stay out of his whiskey while he was gone. That's whipped
Do not buy a prego test at the Walgreens you frequent. It's awkward. Just trust me.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
Randomize
