You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
I'm doing shots of jagger in dixi cups and making a lesson plan for my 8th grader summer school class. My life is so close to adulthood I can taste it
Nurse helped me count all my sexual partners and still gave me her phone number. She shall be #73.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
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