So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Hey sorry i havent responded. i threw up on my phone while i was sleeping
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
She's allergic to latex.
Lucky bastard.
Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children
I woke up with hair in my teeth and half his beard was missing.
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
that moment you remember partying with someone several years ago.. and don't remember if you slept with them or not.
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
Randomize