There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
He got in a fight. Then called me drunk to see if he should bail his friends out, or walk through a Taco Bell drive-thru. True love.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
If you think that liquor is the way to shower sex then you're right.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
Randomize