If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Apparently on the way out of the ER i asked the nurse to doggie-bag me some more morphine.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
hes a good boy he deserves a good blow
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
I'm a gymnast. they should know better than to let me get dunk near anything i can flip on
Wow I didn't even consider the possibility of him having ED. I'm gaining so many life experiences from dating an older man
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I just smoked a joint and ate a sandwich while watching someone get arrested. Bonnaroo is a silly place.
Dude. I'm no longer allowed to use my sword when drinking. I just spent 20 min cleaning up popcorn. I stabbed Moe in the leg and chopped his door knob off
Like a gentleman I waited until you were done vomming to start my Big Mac.
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
Randomize
