i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I just used a franzia box to scrape the snow off my car.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
he ran through my sliding door
in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
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