Apparently married women at the office don't like getting congratulated on getting "knocked up"
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.
Except even better, boobs get discounts.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm going to be drunk and braless all weekend. Let the festivities begin!
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
Also I think I realized when my life started to turn into shambles.. The day I took my high school senior picture WITH A HICKEY ON MY NECK
I was trying to remember why my knees hurt then I remembered I was twerking on the countertops.
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
Randomize
