Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
You can now add 30,000 feet to the places where I have puked
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.
Can we be in one of those super weird relationships where you carry me around everywhere?
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
You left me a message at 3am crying because you just found out there's a Paddington Bear statue in Peru.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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