So is chris hansen cool in person? Or is it just awkward while you wait for the cops?
her boobs were like sundried tomatoes..
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
Everything about him screamed your future.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
Someone I just met told me they were going to name their kid after me. Daylight savings is weird.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
I don't wanna see it, I don't wanna touch it, I just want it in me.
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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