she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
New drinking game watching teenage mutant ninja turtles movie and drinking every time raphael says damn, someone says april or ms oneil, and shredder appears And every time we see a mustache
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
My therapist keeps stopping to ask what 'hooking up' means
ITS ORAL SEX CAROL
Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.
I'm taking the day off so I can get drunk at Whole Foods before noon
Secrets from the porn industry: liTERALLY SHOVE A SEA SPONGE UP YOUR VAGINA GO ON DO IT
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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