Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Two girls down stairs, two girls up stairs and....
We've got ourselves a situation
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
Randomize
