Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.
I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
He nailed that bed down really well so it won't break again. All I could think while he was nailing it was "challenge accepted".
It does not feel like it was just this morning that I had a penis in multiple cavities of my body
Sorry I didn’t really get to say goodbye last night I was busy vomiting in your fathers front yard
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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