Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??
your beer goggles are on backwards.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
When we were eating pie last night, I dropped some, and not only did you not judge me for far surpassing the 5 second rule, you let me use your foot to sock mop with. You're a good friend.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
My boyfriend told me that I said I wanted to "feast on her vagina"... Glad I don't remember.
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
He asked me who my new boyfriend was and I showed him a picture of my sex toys.
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
You couldn’t remember the word hand jibber. Instead, your drunk ass offered the bartenders “unlimited hand fritters” if they wouldn’t cut you off.
Randomize
