fter the third song from an iPod commercial played I realized how much that frat sucked.
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
Your roommate from freshman year just had a baby. I think you're winning. Hooray for fifth year seniors!
Just got 20% off at the liquor store. How you ask? I asked if there was an "I got divorced today" discount.
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I feel sorry for the person who's phone number is 704-1776 cause from now on I'm giving that number to every guy I never wanna talk to again. Happy Independence Day
I love you as a roommate, but you GOTTA start using the door dude..
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