I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
Wow, So this kid just walked into class, yak'd on his lab partner then runs out. Class is now cancelled. I gotta find this kid and Thank him.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER
THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I never thought I would encounter a situation that was "Too Gay" for me...and yet there I was.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
