Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
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