I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I'm pretty sure we got the cab driver deported
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I blacked in at 6:30am on the last stop on the train with a random fedora on? And I'm pretty sure I rode in a limo last night while eating pizza
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It would have been nice to break the dry spell with nice, civilized, sober sex somewhere other than on my friend's couch.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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