No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Dear male population: sorry for being such a dick tease but thanks for paying for my bar tab and drunk food
so while we were having sex, he stuck it in my but, and when he finished he goes next time can we have anal. i don't know if that means im tight or my butt hole is loose, i choose to think the first one
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
Was that your vagina? Received a text pic from a number I didn't recognize. Shaved, so no hair color cues. But it looked like your lips.
I'm currently sitting beside my brother who is taking a bath and feeding him nachos while he covers his genitals. If that's not sibling bonding then I don't know what is
THIS IS EXACTLY WHY YOU SHOULDA FUCKED BEFORE YOU MADE HIM YOUR BOYFRIEND, CURVED DICKS ARE NOT OK
"They let me see the x-ray. My nose is broken. I saw it. It was cool. Well, I guess it would be cooler if it wasn't my nose."
Randomize
