We won't sleep together?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
i had a dream last night that my liver tore its self out of my body and ran away.
We got blackout for the alumni dinner, and then walked THROUGH the keynote speaker, managing to still say "excuse me".
you might as well be a hobo. you were covered in pee last night hanging out on the stairs drunk.
right. well we all have our lows.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
Model at car show < day drinking with your favorite sister. Get your head in the fucking game Christopher.
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
i woke up on someones kitchen floor, and i used the gps in my phone to find my way home. im really glad you forgot about me.
Randomize
