I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Life is too short to have fake orgasms.
You were sitting in the middle of the floor spewing vodka at people proclaiming "I a whale". That drunk.
Is using cherry lube as jam shameful or hilarious
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I wore my Gollum shirt. It struck up a conversation AND got him staring at my boobs. That's a win-win.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
Bringing my mom Taco Bell and weed. I'm such a good daughter
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
Randomize
