when i say i joined a midget dating site why do u assume i was drunk
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
So that wine I told you about is vile...
That the stuff you brewed in your dorm closet? Are you actually going to drink it?
Yup. It's drinkable. Might go blind, but I've got to use my chemistry minor for something.
If kinky sex was an Olympic sport they would be playing the anthem for me as we speak.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Kick open the door, strike a pose, steal a boyfriend, end scene.
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
I DIDN'T WATCH THE PILLSBURY DOUGH BOY PORN!!!!
I just want to see his penis in the light. Is that a crime?
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
Randomize
