i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
As a matter of principle, I waited until noon to start the drinking binge.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
I made out with my former step mother's best friend. Only knew the connection when they both showed up together at the bar.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I started my period on international women's day. It's like the world is congratulating me and punishing me for being a woman at the same time
Instead of going to my moms birthday party I went over and gave him head. I should win non girlfriend of the year award
1. I drank goldschlager 2. I fell in a bathtub and hit my head (hard) on a soap dish. 2. I sat in said bathtub talking to a random stranger on vacation from wyoming (who i met at a 711 looking for taquitos) for almost an hour. 3. We got kicked out of said bathtub by owner of bathtub. 4. We had sex.
Randomize
