Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.
I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
And then we will celebrate by drinking and making fun of him. As per usual.
I almost took a picture but it looked like he might have a shank and I'm just not at a place in my life where I could handle having tetanus
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
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