Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."
I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
You're the reason I lose Never Have I Ever
I just got hit with cramps and found a mystery pill. I'm gonna stay put for an hour and at least see what happens.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I woke up wearing mittens dude
I woke up in my bathtub with the potted plant from downstairs.
checkmate.
Randomize
