Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I knew I was in trouble when she kept referring to the next day as things we should do
So you brought her to my house and left her on my couch.
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
Oh okay well are you handling the "just sex part" like a professional hooker like I taught you?
My 12 o'clock class is an all star team of my ex's hook ups
I'm gonna take a crap in the portashitter like a civilized human being.
I wrote a list of things I enjoy doing. So far it says "get high and go to museums."
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
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