I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I just got offered money for pictures of my boobs
I accepted the offer
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
