Thanks again for letting me crash last nite. Sorry I banged your little brother.
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
Did you hook up with him before or after he shaved off half of his eyebrow?
I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
DICK-CITY HERE WE COME
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
