sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
Just ate a chocolate chip cookie upside down. This is what having a degree does for you.
Def just threw up beer then brushed my teeth with some randos toothpaste now back to drinkin beer
Happy anniversary, did you sign and mail in the divorce papers yet?
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
Gave her a puke bucket just in case. She filled the bottom of it with tears. Super sad. Although I am super proud she didn't puke. That was a lot of Fireball.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
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