Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
I just keep sniffing it hoping for an explanation.
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
I'm now using my vagina for good, not evil. Trying to restore balance to the force.
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