I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
I couldn't tell if those girls from the bar were lesbians or just awesome
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I gave in, made out with her, and long story short, I'm giving hetero another try.
my favorite part was when you kept waving @ that guy and insisiting it was your cousin..and it wasnt and wondering why he wasnt waving back lol you were legit PISSED
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