I've decided to film a documentary centered around how he manages to keep that beast caged in such tight pants
I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
He called me Kitten either just because or he figured out my old s&m life. Either way huge turn on.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
Car sex in a public place. Boo ya.
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