The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
Randomize
