My sheets look like a crime scene.
no homo or anything but the way you were dancing with that girl gave me a boner
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
the recent google searches were "were can i buy a porn horse, why does my heart hurt after drinking, and orlando's teen night..." your thought process perplexes me
that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
If your wondering why there is a puddle on the floor is I may have decided to make a kiddie pool in your living room.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Randomize
