i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
Did I send you a naked snap the other day with a fat blunt in my mouth with the caption "$1200 bitches!" ?
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
