Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
i must have dtf stamped on my forehead
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.
did he notice?
of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I left at 4:30 in the morning and I told him it was because I had to take my contacts out
she said. She was going to, and I quote, "put her vagina inside my dick".
Randomize
