this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm eating Doritos at 9am because last nights weed is just now starting to wear off
You know you have hit the best years of your life when you enlist the 5 year old to be ball boy during beer pong and pay him with candy you stole from Walgreens
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
I woke up to an email from expedia confirming my flight to hong kong
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize