Why would you say my penis is small in front of so many people?
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
How am I so hungover that wearing sunglasses hurts my head?
Ugh..Yesterday was a complete alcohol fueled shit show. Not making eye contact with anyone today. Don't deserve it. Eye contact is for decent people.
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I'm pretty sure I just need an IV drip of Plan B at this point...
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
almost just sent your mom a dick pic. almost.
Just walked outside my house; realized I wasn't wearing any pants after about 3 minutes or so.
Drunk, high, hungover?
...I wish I had an excuse.
Randomize