I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.
I chugged vodka from a 15 ft snorkel. What the fuck did you do with your life today?
I'm not driving across town for three thrusts and an excuse
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
who has a one night stand on Christmas ? But he's pretty attractive so thumbs up
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
